|
This gnarled, old preacher has learned that one sure-fire way to perk up his reader ratings is to write about animals-- cats, dogs and such. I have resorted to that ploy many times through the years. I've often written about wildlife. I've rhapsodized about birds, squirrels, 'possums, armadillas, whales, elephants, Baptists, etc. I'll write about almost anything to try to wake up a crowd. I was telling the staff of this dignified newspaper recently about losing my swimming trunks at the beginning of last summer. I went over to the mall and bought me a "Speedo." Now some of you more pious folk will claim not to know what a "Speedo" is and will have to consult your grandchildren. Suffice to say here that it is a scanty type of bathing garment, but it is also a well-known brand name in swimwear. As you would expect, I bought a rather conservatively-cut Speedo. I can't swim. I mostly just pose. I have found that I can swiftly empty a swimming pool simply by showing up! I've got the people at the paper scared half to death about what I might write when hot, summer, swimming weather returns. (This is my clever way to teach them to pray.)
But, back to my topic for today. I've written lots about animals. This works to attract readers. However, there is a second way to draw a crowd and that is to write about puns. Everyone loves puns. Oh, I know we all groan and moan at punsters. However, we secretly love puns because we know you have to possess strong language skills to understand puns. Punsters are far more intelligent than nonpunsters and the punsters know this. So if you don't like puns, we punsters understand and you can quit reading here. We love you and will see you back here next week with a different topic.
Now, for all of you bright folk, the rest of this divine, drollery is going to be punny. Cousin Melanie Harless from Oak Ridge, Tennessee sent me a bunch of puns. I'll start with some secular ones and end with some that have more-or-less religious connotations. (1) Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive." Now you would expect a pun like that from someone living in the "Atomic City." (2) A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says, "Sorry Sir, only one carrion per passenger." The rules are changing these days for air travelers. (3) The Buddhist refused Novacaine during a root canal. His goal was to transcend dental medication. Ouch, that one hurts! (4) A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small flower shop to raise funds to help out. Since people thought it a good idea to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist who had a shop across the street felt it was unfair competition. He requested that the friars close the shop, but they refused. He begged them to close. Still they refused. In desperation, he hired the toughest thug in town--Hugh MacTaggart-- to "persuade" the friars to close down their shop. He beat the friars up and trashed their shop. Terrified, they went out of business. Which proves that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Okay, okay, I admit that some puns are punnier than others. You are entitled to your own personal reactions. Which reminds me of the fish that swam into a concrete wall and said, "Dam." Which reminds me, don't you wish we had some pleasant, more genteel oaths for such things as this these daze?
|
